Little balls of shame

It sometimes amazes me how little we have evolved. Having lived in India I am aware of the male dominance in the society. I have read in books as to how there used to exists a disparity and gender bias earlier. Luckily for me, I have been born and brought up in a family where such kind of bias never existed. My parents acknowledged the need to treat us as equal to boys. Even when each of us, me and my sister were born they celebrated our birth by distributing pedhas amongst our families and friends. This was nearly more than 2 decades ago. And even today, people insist that the girls birth should be celebrated by distributing jalebis and boys birth by distributing pedhas. My parents undoubtedly had given out a loud and clear message- that they were proud to have us. Our gender did not matter to them. Our existence did.

After having spent nearly 30 years in my parent’s cocoon, everything seems so surreal. Having lived with my family, I was in a way protected from the cruel and harsh world outside. The goodness around which I had grown up had led me to believe that the world outside is similar to what I see inside my home. But I was wrong. It pained me to see how biased can the world be.

It was a hot sunny day. Jaipur, in the month of May can seem to be one hot furnace. Apart from the hot sun outside, those days were the ones of equivalent discomfort even at home. After my marriage in March, my in laws were visiting our house for the very first time. I still can feel all the rush of emotions I was experiencing that day.

I am usually very calm and composed, but my recent marriage has taught me that emotions can play complete havoc with your poise. I knew that I was doing my best and that there was nothing that I could do more. I was well prepared for any negative reaction that may come my way. Usually when you ready yourself for the worse, you unconsciously are paving a way to calm yourself. But nothing was helping back then, not even the moral support of my husband. I was living in constant fear. It would feel as if I am trying to sleep while a very heavy object is lying on my chest. The heaviness of the object is suffocating me and I am not able to do anything. The helplessness and the suffocation is what I felt while trying to live through those days.

While they were on their trip, it was second day of their trip and time for afternoon lunch. I had tried my best to prepare edible food for my in laws. Since my ma- in-law had insisted that I cook less food, there were lesser veggies today. But I was happy with the taste of the food. As the lunch hour came, I started to ready the plates. There were four of us. Usually, in our home when we have less food, we tend to divide the food almost equally only adjusting if there is someone has less appetite than others. I was going to do the same here. That is when my ma in law said “Let your father-in–law have more veggies. Your husband also likes it. We can have the rest remaining. I am fine with lesser veggies”. That sentence of hers struck me real hard. I was surprised. I meekly did what was told. Not that I was left hungry but that incident left my mind in jeopardy.

Not much time have passed since our wedding but still I always believed that I have been married off in a fairly modern family. When I had to take the decision of marriage, this was one of the check point on my list. I come from a fairy liberal family and therefore I fail to show any empathy towards the people who showcase rigid mentality. My parents have always taught me to question - be it tradition, religion, societal practices or rules. In fact I have always been afraid that if I am to face any such situation, I might show unnecessary defensiveness.

It was not that I was upset over having to take lesser food. Had I been in her place and I was the one serving the guests, I would also have taken smaller portions myself just so the guests could have a good meal. That is called courtesy. But here that wasn’t the case. She implied that the ladies of the house should settle for the remaining food so that their husbands could enjoy the meal. As I write down the chronological occurrence of this event, it still leaves me feeling giddy. It dawned on me as to what life had I chosen for myself. It is honestly scary. I am not sure which of the two feelings are more prominent. One is that I am scared for myself as to what awaits me and that it makes me sad to even think as to the kind of injustice which is being belted out on me. Secondly I cannot help but sympathize with my ma in law. She herself does not deserve such kind of treatment. I am aware that she is not causing any pain onto herself consciously. But she is unconsciously being unjust and unfair to her own self. It is wrong and I want to voice my opinion. But I wonder whether it will be looked in the light that it deserves. I am scared.

Till the time I come to terms with this incident, I have decided to keep this incident to myself. Every time I am reminded of this event, I go back to the same emotions that I had felt. It is the very reason why I do not share my emotional moments even with the people I am close to. The way out is to wait I guess. Wait until the tie I am ready to digest those little balls of shame.